Forbidden Dreams

Desires.... dreams... too many of them
Where do I take them... all these desires of mine?
There are too many of them,
And all of them are too beautiful...
They're forbidden dreams,
I'm not supposed to dream them,
I'm not entitled to them...
They add a vibrant riot of colour
To my otherwise grey life...
And that's not supposed to be!
I've been bequeathed this life of starkness
To carry out a never-ending journey
Through a dark abyss... where no light enters
No light is meant to be there...
And I've dreamt impossible dreams
Dreams of life, of colour, of love....
Dreamt of a home, a hearth, of love, of warmth....
Of children my womb would bear....
And what madness made me dream them?
Wasn't I told never to dream them?
Wasn't I told that they were not meant for me...
They were the other domain,
Which I would watch from a distance and yearn for...
But I was not supposed to spread out my arms
To try to grab it.... I've breached the decorum there.
I've been greedy... I craved for something
Which wasn't meant to be mine!

And I sit here now... a traitor to life...
Having dreamt impossible, forbidden dreams
I sit here, an imposter to the cause for which
I was sent to earth... to yearn for good things
Only to yearn....never to reach out for them.
To watch them from a distance and sigh..
Wishing I had my share as well,
But never try to achieve it...it wasn't meant for me!
When oneday I will be gone... wither I know not
I will have found what I'm looking for...
I will wish never to be born again with dreams
Which are so near and yet so far and...
Forbidden!

Winner all the way...

Through the rush of hysteric relatives, reporters, photographers, policemen and their awful, unfriendly dogs sniffing the place with a frenzied ferocity, I fought my way, to catch a final glimpse of her. They were taking her away....... "Joyee... that's the Bengali word for Winner. That's me... a winner all the time!" I suddenly recalled the first time I met her in the corridoors of my first year at college. I felt as though I was affronted by an indomitable beam of sunlight. Her self-control, her grit and confidence almost blinded me. She was definitely a winner and made sure everyone recognised her that way. We did. There was something so intimidating about her and although she appeared interesting, I always found her very distant....very unreal, very far away from the world we inhabited. I loved her, loved the way she whistled boisterously, the way she threw all care to the winds, loved the way she showed me her tongue...loved the child in the woman, the woman in the child. Many did. There was something about her easy, careless attitude that made so many men want to love her. There was a fierce, forbidden charm about her out-of-place world view. Everyone viewed her as an exotic creature....just like every distant thing appears. And there was something so awfully sad about those glittering, large eyes of hers. Anyone who had ever been with her had always found her laughing,always chirping,always radiating sunshine....she was a winner.....she was sunshine!

They were taking her away..... I could finally succeed in pushing through the crowd of wailing relatives, her shocked mother, a man who claimed to have loved her very much, some photographers looking for juicy gossip...pushed through them all. Not that it really mattered...or perhaps it did. I wanted a final glimpse of the winner...on her final journey..... And there she lay...wrapped in an immaculate white shroud. She was asleep, forever now. I could not bring myself to utter the word' dead'. A winner never dies! There was an inexplicable calm on her face...she had never looked so beautiful. I almost wanted to kiss her alabaster cheeks. It was difficult to believe that she would never look at me with those large,sad eyes , laugh at my stupid jokes or crack one herself. It was difficult to imagine that she wouldn't go dancing again every Saturday night, get drunk and make people hate her. It was difficult to believe that she wouldn't enjoy their spite and let out a gleeful laughter. She was beyond everything now and I know that finally she was HOME....her home....somewhere she always wanted to be. She had shown me the horizon a long time back,saying,"There lies my home...I belong there...." She indeed belonged there. That is why I guess she was always so unloved, unwanted, misunderstood all her life and I knew that such a day was coming. I knew that she would take the first opportunity to go home... to where she belonged. And she finally did. Some reporter was tormenting her already tormented mother,"Madam, can u tell us why someone as established as Joyee Roy would commit suicide? She had almost reached the zenith of her success...why would... what is the cause...who... why...what.........." I lost his voice in the din. The man who claimed to love her was saying something to me...I couldn't understand. It must have been about trying to prevent this..trying to prevent her from leaving this world. What is the point? I thought... she was anyway not wanted here...by nobody...not even the people who brought her here. All who claimed to love her were only trying to capture what was exotic about her...they never really loved her. No one knew how she could be loved. Perhaps even I did not....even though I always thought I did. There was really no point trying to hold her back here. Wonder why her relatives were wailing so distastefully. I touched her face for the last time... it was cold,yet there was an amazing softness in her cheeks. They took her away....

Two days later, I received a parcel. Joyee left me something. A bunch of plastic chrysanthemums. With it a note which said: "Joyee never dies.... Joyee never runs away... Joyee never leaves her friends... She is still with you...always will......." The chrysanthemums never withered,they were not meant to. They never even lost their lustre and everytime I look to the horizon now at sundown, I see Joyee smiling at me from behind the clouds.... her large,sad eyes glittering as they always did. Only, now they were brighter !

Understanding my loneliness

In trying to understand my loneliness and trying to come to terms with it, I've discovered several things...I AM lonely and nothing or no one can take it away from me. Being lonely for a quarter of a century, I've realised that it has, in some strange and curious way become one of my greatest strengths and assets. I begin to feel incomplete without it. And now that I've reconciled to this loneliness of mine, I no longer find it frightful or fearsome....on the other hand I try to establish a camarederie between Me and My Self...a Self that will never leave me...never raise a finger at me, never judge my shortcomings, a Self that will hold my hand when I need a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry upon, a Self that will never give me a questioning glance, a Self that will be my greatest confidante.... even in my loneliness I will never be alone.

today .....straitway.

hi
candy having exams today...
its rain.
and the pin is something starting with 70000...

"cofee house boshe..............."

Killed With a Kiss...

Indian summers have an exquisite capacity to make one realise the horrors of a trip to Mercury. While the terrestrial mercury expands, shooting upto almost 40 degree centrigrade, it prepares you for something akin to Satan's stupor on the sulphurous lake of Hell. It was summertime and I was living in Kolkata, a living, throbbing, pro-active, reactive Indian city... not to mention the humidity and bad summers:-( Mr.Satan and I could have almost established a camaraderie-fellow sufferers of unmentionable heat, the only thing which I presume came in the way, was
our progeny. He was an angel, although apostate and I, a human. "It's a hard life," I grumbled,"to be a reporter." My editor was not happy with the story on child marriage in Birbhum and I was to visit the particular village again. The resturaunt I was sitting in was my favourite haunt, more for the ambience than for food. It was dimly lit and tastefully
decorated with indoor plants and bonsais, a must-have for me when I am thinking in terms of lively ambience. However sandwiches had never been their speciality and today it was sadder than ever. The coffee had kind of transformed itself into a watery hogwash, the airconditioning doing worse things to it.I lingered there as long as I could because an air conditioner is the greatest luxury that one could desire when the heavens outdoors was pouring fire. Lighting the last cigarette in my packet, I lazily gazed out of the window.A lame beggar was resting against a lamp post at the farthest corner of the pavement, a mongrel was panting nearby, a buxom lady was saying something very agitatedly to a man walking beside her. Maybe the doomed creature was her husband, maybe they were arguing...scenes of poverty, sloth, discord.....

"Can I sit here for a while if you don't mind?" A baritone voice intruded into my reverie.Company was not exactly the next best thing to solitude at that point of time. Yet to avoid the blame of rudeness, I replied, "Uh sure...why not?" He was wearing a black suit and could not have been forty years old. He looked tired yet friendly and cheerful. "I'm sorry,"I
said brusquely pointing to the cigarette I was smoking, "this was the last one," and continued to gaze out of the window. "Oh never mind ! I don't smoke." A waiter brought me the bill and the stranger startled me saying, "Mind sitting with me for a while?" Surprise is a small word to
capacitate the utter amazement that I was thrown into. I answered him with a questioning frown. "I mean...don't get me wrong," he stammered, "I don't look like a rogue, do I and possibly couldn't harm you..." I sat down,slightly irritated, pretending to be in a hurry, to an extent I was in a hurry. Office was not exactly my priorty then but I was not in bouyant spirits, not adequately chirpy to provide company to a stranger. "Madam,"he looked at me entreatingly,"believe me... I'm just looking for someone to talk to. I agree all this is rather strange. But who does a human being turn to if and when he wants someone to talk to,someone to listen to him? I assure you, I am not disgusting... not repulsive... not harmful, not any of the things that might make you want to run away from here. You might not regret this altogether
:-) " There was a pleasant, boyish smile emerging from the corner of his lips. It was pleasant...
rather pleasant. His oratory was mindblowing. Perhaps I seriously would not regret it after all! Seemed quite like it. "Fine, let's talk...myself Ria, Reporter, 'The Daily Express',"I spurted out a forensic introduction and held forward my hand. He took it into his vigorously, saying, "Barry
Matthews,Oncologist." After this very brief introduction we were once again at a loss of words to say to each other. "Alright,"I said at length, finding my voice, "let's begin with very commonplace things, very humdrum kind of things..like let's say, where you've been to before you walked in here, where do you intend to go from here and why choose me as your companion?" "Jesus Christ! That was a battery! Easy lady...breathe in between your questions!"he laughed, "but I'll surely answer all those questions with the same gusto. I'd been to a burial service prior to coming here. Tired and hungry, I walked in here for a bite and I intend to get back to the hospital once I leave this place. As for choosing you for company... look around lady, this is the only table which had atleast a chair empty. I had no choice, you see!" We smiled at this and once again silence descended upon us. The mention of death and a burial did
not particularly animate my spirits. Unable to utter any note of condolence, I, for no particular reason, sincerely wished it was not any of his dear ones.

He was noisily sipping his coffee and I was frantically ransacking my purse for a cigarette. Nicotine always managed to make me feel less clumsy and less awkward in genuinely awkward situations; this being one of them. Just when I thought that I had succeeded in minimizing the
absurdity of the situation, "Can I ask you opinion about something?"he said and made my heart pop out of my mouth. It took me sometime to put it back to its proper place and having done that, replied, "Yup sure...what is it?" "Tell me," he said, "What is your opinion about euthanasia?" "Mercy killing?" I queried back. "That's right. Many governments the world over have legalised it. What do you think about a similar arangement in India?" Mercy killing sounded like an oxymoron to me, the jamming together of two contrasting shades of life. "Criminal!" I exclaimed absent-mindedly. "Who? Me?"he asked,quite taken aback. "No...I
mean I think it's a criminal act,"I replied embarrased at the exaggerated reaction. He suddenly drilled his mellow hazel brown eyes deep into mine to ask,"Have you ever had to watch someone you love, die a molecule everyday, writhe in agony? Have you ever the agonised screams of someone for whom you'd have done anything... just about anything to provide him some relief?" Theatrical undoubtedly, but his words had a strange effect on me. I blinked stupidly at him, trying to frame some clever answer. He picked up a sugar cube from the bowl,tossed in air and caught it again. Something clicked in my cerebellum, some answer to retaliate his eloquence, some smart thing which would justify by opposition to Euthanasia."You Christian?"I asked him almost abruptly,even before he had the time to blink,not even caring much for proper formatting of my question. "Yup!"came the equally brief reply."And have you at all cared to read the Bible...the chapter on Ten Commandments...Moses...Mount Sinai...the stone tablet?" I was cut short by his sudden paroxysm of laughter. "What could be possibly funny?"I retaliated dumbfounded."Gosh! you're theatrical,lady.Pardon me my impudence...I just couldn't control
my laughter.Yes I was badly bullied in my cathecism classes when I was a kid to memorise the Ten Commandments.But what about that?" " 'Thou shalt not kill'...that's all I was trying to tell you.The Lord commands never to kill.Mercy killing makes no sense.The right to make or break life should only rest with the Maker.We should not tamper with the natural course of one's life. If we do...that's considered criminal...murder to be more precise.Believe me, Dr.Matthews,God knows best,better than any human being!" I flashed a triumphant smile at him, confident that I had finally beaten him in the argument.

There was an almost unexpected pause in the conversation.I was certain that he was groping for an answer.However the pause prolonged into an uncomfortable silence.He was still at his game of tossing the sugar cube and catching it and what appeared as his apparent defeat,took me by
surprise when he finally found his voice. "Let's exchange positions Madam...I take yours...the journalist.You try imagining yourself as an Oncologist who has been working for the past fifteen years trying to treat cancer patients-I specialise in leukaemia,so that's what you got to pretend to be. Now imagine giving transfusions while you patients lie on their beds gasping for breath.Listen to them screaming in pain and yes...also watch the tears that their relatives shed,in solitary corners.I have seen it all for the past fifteen years.You just have to imagine it all...get back to me precisely after five minutes with your experiences and then tell me about your opinion on leukaemia." He excused himself for a while and walked away from the table.I watched him pick up some small talk with a waiter while I stared out of the window.I understood what he was trying to drive home and in that context I had nothing much to say to support my viewpoint.I was lost in my thoughts,also scanning the menu card for a mousse,when he suddenly broke into my solitude."Sorry,I know I returned earlier than the alloted five minutes.I forgot to tell you something more....my recent patient...you have to imagine this situation as well." 'Yes, I had certainly invited trouble for myself by opposing him,' I thought, 'now he's not going to spare me all those gruesome details!' He did not and I could see that he
was in the mood to draw blood now. "For the past four years,I had been treating a child.He was six when this monster was detected in his blood.He was a beautiful child,so agile and bouyant...so fond of flowers,birds...the autumn breeze,the first splash of rain..of all the sights and smells and sensations that life could offer him.Now imagine this child as well...day by day getting weaker...weaker, paralytic...unable to romp around,unable to tire his mother with his
endless stories.Watch him every single moment...notice how his tender body shrivels up,how his liver stops functioning and hear his screams.I did that...for the past four years...till...till he died this morning."I looked up,almost with a jerk,from the table into his brown eyes and
jumped up from my seat like a singed cat. There were no tears in his eyes.All was hid under the veneer of smiles and amity."I...I...I am..." "You don't have to be sorry Ria.It's the profession...I have to do this to support my family. Only that I always wished I wouldn't have to go
through so much pain to earn money..."

Silence.......After what seemed like eternity,I heard his voice again and this time it took me more time than usual to understand the English language. "Hey no!Look at you!Darn me...I never really wanted to upset you with all that morbid stuff.I'm anything but a sadist...grief repels me!" A blank stare from me was all that he received in reply. "Alright...alright,"he winked cordially,"let's make things better!Tell me about yourself...family,hobbies,interests...just about anything..." I had never been very comfortable sharing myself with strangers and egocentricity had never been my disease.In most cases,questions from strangers about my private self received a tacit reply.This time it was an exception.The very pleasantly amiable Barry Matthews made me feel so exceptionally comfortable that I almost became a megalomaniac for the next fifteen minutes.He was engrossed in what I was saying...a very good listener he was.He politely waited till I finished,gave me an awkward,wry smile to ask a wrier question."Tell me Ria,"he began,"what if you actually met someone who committed Euthanasia?" "Difficult question,"I sighed,"You see this isn't legal in India...so no matter how correct it is ethically or even medically,it isn't so legally.I still guess he should be punished under the Indian Penal Code." He smiled amicably at my answer,that was his habit.He had an excess of smiles for he flashed one every now and then.It looked good on him:-) "Care for another coffee?"he asked.I agreed.The conversation was getting more and more interesting and at this point I was reluctant to leave.Looking out of the window,I realised that the fiery May afternoon had mellowed to a saffron evening.The waiters were passing our table with clenched fists,sign that
we had overstayed and soon their bounds of civility and hospitality might break.Sensingdanger,I entreated him that we had better get going."Definitely,"he rejoined good-naturedly.

As we were packing to leave I remembered to ask him,"What about your family,doc?"He answered me with a photograph of himself with a lady,presumably his wife and a little boy not more than seven years old,which he fished out of his wallet.Handing him my address,I said,"Do
bring them over to lunch someday.My parents will be happy to entertain you." "I'll certainly bring her along." "Hey!Not her alone...I said 'them'.Don't leave the poor kid alone at home.I'd love to meet him." "That's my son,"he smiled,"but I'm afraid he can't come.He died this
morning... of leukaemia..." He opened the door of the resturaunt,"....and I killed him!"he said and walked away into the gold of that May sunset.

SOMEONE... SOMEWHERE

Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight
Somewhere out there, someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another,
In that great 'somewhere'
Out there....

Somewhere out there, a mother suckles her babe
Someone out there puts her foetus to death...
Someone relishes her paramour's embrace
Somewhere someone breaks the faith.
Someday someone makes promises of love,
Another day he forgets it as an empty dream.

Somewhere a chandelier breaks, somewhere a heart
Somewhere new love is born, someone says a prayer
Someone breaks a mosque, someone kills a man !
In that great 'somewhere' out there
Someone sheds a tear, someone sighs out loud,
Unknown, Unheard!

And then...someday,when all's said and done...
When all tears and blood has been shed...
Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight
Someone thinks of me and loves me every night.
Someone out there no longer says a prayer
Coz we found one another in that great 'somewhere'
Out there....

LOST !

LOST

I'm lost...
In the fast alleys
Of an ever moving world,
A world of smiling faces,hollow laughters,
Pretences... sudden promises
Momentary words of love
Forgotten with the blink of an eyelid.

I'm lost
In the blind alleys of a glittering world,
Of skyscrapers,of elevators,of svelte spas
Of snazzy cars,of Scotch,of pate' d' foie gras,
And hungry beggars huddled under bridges,on roadsides...

I'm lost
In an inability to discover myself,
To realise a destiny,in confusion,in aimlessness...
Lost...in time,in space,into the labyrinths of oblivion
In an alien world, a world of mili-seconds,
Where 'forever' lasts only a few days...

Lost...in time,in space,into the labyrinths of oblivion,
Lost till I dont find myself,
Lost to the point of no return,
Lost to a new beginning,a new world...another Elysium!

THEN ONEDAY

THEN ONEDAY

Then Oneday...
Not suspecting anything unusual about her familiar Universe
She walked down the familiar street,
Petted the familiar mogrel down the lane,
Bought her usual cup of coffee at the cafe...

Then Oneday...
The usual turned unusual,
Catterpillars turned butterflies,
And all that was harsh and discordant in the scheme of things
United in a pleasant cacophony of melody...

Then Oneday...
Flowers bloomed never to wither,
Roses bloomed never to prick,
And anything that bloomed,
Was to be
In bloom forever.

Then Oneday...
She suddenly realised she was alive.
Understood what it felt like to be hurt, to be happy,
To see, to taste, to smell, to touch, to hear...
To cry, to smile, to laugh, to love...

And Someday...
She'll be as immortal as any mortal
Who had been alive !
Who captured sunshine in their smiles...
Who carried a perennial Spring in their hearts,
Someday she'll hold onto her life like the only thing
She ever wanted to hold on to...
Someday she'll smile that Oneday she realised
She was alive !